Perpetual Carouse

Everybody loves anthropomorphized food, right?

Especially when accompanied by a totally bitchin' tune from the 80s.

Got a highly amusing call from a friend last night during the Food Network Awards. Sounds like it was a trainwreck. Haven't seen it yet, as I was busy catching up on Lost, but I've got it faux-Tivoed at home.

Do Emeril and Bobby--who, whatever you think of their shows--BUILT that fucking network, deserve to be pimped out with such casual disregard? Does anyone deserve to run the Gauntlet of Shame that was the "red carpet", forced to waddle past the California Raisins and Tony the Tiger and a bunch of other corporate Big Heads?
-Bourdain on last night's awards

I want my 90 minutes back.

I was expecting that the Food Network Awards would be about-- oh, I don't know-- food. The dead giveaway that the whole idea was a clunker was the conspicuous lack of chefs not on the payroll. What a drag.

The award for best professional grade appliance goes to the microwave? The microwave? Do professional kitchens even use microwaves? And then there's the award given for Achatz' anti-griddle. That's supposed to be the kitchen technology just around the corner for all of us? Um, no.

Quick, name a Tuesday night dinner that requires the use of an anti-griddle!

I didn't think so.

It's sad, really. For the longest time, the Food Network was good TV. It's the reason I still have cable...although they're fading fast. Actual cooking on the Food Network is going the way of music videos on MTV. It sucks. Most of their new shows are leaning toward faux cooking like Sandra Lee, and they haven't added a serious chef to the lineup in I don't know how long.

People originally turned on to the Food Network because of the food. If they keep dumbing things down (California Raisins walking the red carpet, anyone?) they're going to alienate more people than they'll attract with stupider shows.

[The comic is Achewood from January 26, 2007.]

There's another teaser at Pixar's website as well as a Ratatouille video podcast via iTunes.

Bravo's third installment of Top Chef gets going June 13th at 10 PM. Based on the early press materials, Bravo has finally realized that Padma is more interesting when she doesn't say much. They've brought on Queer Eye's Ted Allen as a judge, and Padma is now credited simply as "host," so here's hoping she's absent from the judges' table this season.

The 15 chefs will be hunkered down at the Fontainebleau Hotel in Miami Beach, and it appears that there aren't any local dogs in this fight. Bummer!

It looks like a pretty standard field of contestants: some caterers, several working chefs, a C.I.A. grad, a few self-taught folks, and a cheesemaker. Already, I'm pulling for her (Sara M.) because cheesemakers are bad-ass, and because of that whole "Blessed are the cheesemakers" thing in The Life of Brian.

Looking over the bios, a few things jumped out at me. Dale gets cool points for basically naming a grilled cheese sandwich as his signature dish, but then they get taken away when he mentions "flavor math." But wait! Cool points reinstated for having the balls to say so early in the game that the other contenstants are going to get "outcooked by a queer."

Howie gets a big question mark for "scallops with chorizo and corn emulsion" as a favorite simple recipe. First of all it doesn't sound simple, and secondly, I know what an emulsion is, and I also know that "emulsion" sounds incredibly unappetizing as the name of a dish. No doubt the word has a technical purpose, but that ain't exactly sounding like yum, you know?

Lia gets props for naming guac as her favorite simple recipe, although I can already tell you that my guacamole is better, and Micah's signature guava-chili glazed lamb chop with passion fruit-mint sauce sounds awesome. Notice how she didn't say "emulsion?"

Full contestant bios after the jump, if you're that kind of person.

Makes me want to go pick up some Fat Tire. Is it beer-thirty yet?

The summer TV season is upon us, which means there's a bunch of food-related reality shows on right now. I still can't really take Gordon Ramsey's Hell's Kitchen seriously. The contestants just don't have the food chops (by design, obviously) and Ramsey himself alternates between whiny prima donna and fake reality TV caricature. Although, I'd probably be pissed too dealing with people who repeatedly can't grok the simple timing required to cook Beef Wellington.

Then there's The Next Food Network Star. For the first two seasons, I was into it, but this year I'm just not able to gather up the energy to pay close attention. It may be a larger problem I have with the Food Network in general of late. I just don't find myself being captivated by their programming anymore, which has everything to do with their shift away from food and toward food personalities. I get the feeling they're spending more time in meetings about branding their hosts than they are seeking out people who are actually doing interesting things with food.

Top Chef is hands-down my favorite. I would like to see more from Ted, but this is the one show that is at least truly focusing on food. I'm an episode behind in my viewing, but it seems like so far TC is getting less gimmicky with their challenges, which is good. The ridiculous product placement, and Padma having to re-dub practically everything that she says still drive me nuts, though. The bubbas need to quit bitching at each other and get to cooking. My money's on a showdown between Tre and Hung in the end.

Less laughing. More bacon!

Christopher Kimball, the nerd-king of my beloved Cook's Illustrated and America's Test Kitchen will be in the Bay Area for a few appearances next week. He'll be pimping the new America's Best Lost Recipes cookbook at 6 PM on November 14 at Book Passage in the SF Ferry Building, and down in Mountain View the next day; 7:30 PM at Books, Inc.

Cool time-lapse of this year's ginormous gingerbread house at Disney's Grand Floridian Hotel:

This just in:

A dude at the Nuremberg airport chugged a liter of vodka rather than throw it out or pay to have the bottle checked as cargo. He was later admitted to the hospital for alcohol poisoning.

In not-really-related news, I watched the airplane episode of Mythbusters last night, and unfortunately they did not address the myth of being able to hijack an airplane with a three ounce bottle of liquid that only has an ounce of liquid actually in it. So we're still stuck throwing out nearly everything before getting on a plane.

Sigh.

1. Ming Tsai is getting fat... but he's still a bad ass.

2. I get the idea of this challenge... being able to identify quality product is crucial for a chef. But... price is not the same as quality. Why are they showing the price of the respective items as an indicator of quality?

I stumbled upon this video via a friend of a friend, and I'd have to agree with his advice.

Don't ever make this drink. Ever.

Mint Juleps are awesome... one of my favorite drinks, but what the hell this crime against humanity and good bourbon is, I do not know. This bartender ought to be ashamed of herself.